A few variations:

Let _ host your next party, providing _ like you've never seen before.

Enjoy _ with a brand new twist: _.

Banquet style dining: the buttermilk, the classic, _.

I had a dream last night. In it, I was a mob hitman. I was a cold-blooded killer in a highly organized mafia that had a firm grip on the city I lived in. The mafia was notoriously more powerful than the police, did not hesitate to kill anyone who crossed them... and were strangely honest, fair and straightforward about it. Essentially there were three fatally important rules: You don't rat out the mob, you don't steal from the mob, and you don't attack anyone in the mob.

I had many homicidal encounters, one notable one in which I was only supposed to shoot one woman for informing the police about our activities. I almost couldn't believe it when I was told about it, as she had supposedly called the cops after seeing a few mobsters get rough with a businessman that wasn't paying his protection money. She practically commit suicide by ratting us out, and for something the police probably wouldn't even act on!

Once at her house, I got in quick and I shot her in the back. She never saw it coming, all was well... until her husband came home right as I was leaving. Upon seeing my car in the driveway, a dead-giveaway mobster town car, he already knew his wife was dead, and he was frantically calling the police. I was all, "Ah, come on! Whaddya gotta call the cops for, that's what did your wife in! Now I gotta shoot you too! I can't believe how stupid that was! I'm standing right here! With a gun!"

So I did kill him, although it was really more of a suicide. He was, however, coming home from the grocery store, and his daughter had been collecting comestibles from their SUV. Unfortunately for both of us, she decided to steal my car while I was busy phoning my bosses about things getting more complicated. I had left the car running with the keys in the ignition for a quick get away, but it had backfired on me fiercely. Since I had the dad's keys, I jumped in the SUV to chase her down and get back my boss's car. I knew there was barely any gas in my car, because I had been stupid and forgot to fill it up, so it was only a couple of miles before I caught up to her frantically trying to refuel at a gas station. Strictly following the rules would mean I'd have to shoot her too, since she stole the car, even though she had heard me yelling that all her dad had to do was 'nothing' if he didn't want to get shot. So I started yelling at her that all she had to do was 'nothing' if she didn't want to get shot, but I also wasn't quite cold-blooded enough to shoot a kid without hesitation.

I started telling her that I was going to try to get special dispensation from the bosses to let her off the hook, when, unfortunately for all three of us, two cops came to a stop at the gas station in their cruiser. The girl, obviously in a panic, got their attention whether she wanted to or not, and I had to quickly react and shoot both of the officers as well, as this wasn't going to go down any other way that didn't get me killed or imprisoned. At this point there was enough evidence splattered around the place from all four of us bleeding for various reasons that I decided I needed to do a quick clean-up job. Luckily, someone always kept a quantity of plastic explosives in the trunk of the car, so I decided to blow up the entire gas station... I didn't actually check to see if there was an attendant present, so I may have unintentionally killed even one more person. The girl, after both trying to run away and also use her phone (like seriously, why does everyone keep giving me reasons to shoot them!?) had annoyed me enough that I decided to replace the explosives in the trunk with her sans electronic communication devices. I drove away and set off the bomb, turning the whole scene into a crater, and the bodies of the officers into seared particulates.

The headquarters was a very lavish office building with heavily armed and well dressed guards standing in plain view of the woebegone police. I dragged the now exhausted, timid, and thankfully compliant girl up to see the most important wiseguy I could find. The don was out, but the consigliere was in, and that was good enough for me. I told him how crazy the simple whack job got, and how the girl only 'temporarily' borrowed my ride, so maybe I could just... not shoot her... if that would be okay? After silently staring at me during my long tale of adventure he suddenly looked very pleased. He told me he was surprised that I took initiative all the times I should, and that I came to him about the girl. I didn't even need to beg, he demanded I let the girl go immediately. According to him, icing a kid is bad for the public image, and not worth the minuscule chance she'd get us all pinched.

At this point I had time to think about what had happened, and I realized I'd unnecessarily blown up the girl's parent's SUV along with the gas station. It was almost brand new, and I didn't want nobody calling me cheap or irresponsible, so I gave her thirty large as the approximate value of the vehicle. Mind you, in my head this was just being an honest man, and the 'recently having killed her parents' didn't even factor into it. I told the girl she better suppress her family gene for committing suicide on the mob, and also told her if she wanted to come looking for vengeance it would be nice if she waited a few years until she was an adult, so that when I whacked her it wouldn't make me look like a son of a bitch.

Later on, I had a very interesting, if not incredibly frustrating conversation with a couple wiseguys. The mob suspected an associate of being up to something, we didn't know what, but we were looking into it. The twit had been sweating and twitching like crazy the last time a capo started talking to him, and he seemed like he was trying to avoid us altogether. So the three of us had a few words with him at his place of residence. We told him to stay home, not let anybody in, and not touch the phone. It was part keeping him from going on the lam while we checked out what he'd been up to, and part to see if he'd make a run for it, giving us no reason to doubt his ambiguous treachery.

We holed up in the attic of the house across the street with a high-tech x-ray scope sniper rifle, so we could shoot him as soon as he did what we expected him to, or we got called about him being a rat... or a thief... or whatever the hell he did. Now, these two jokers were made men, they had nothing to worry about. Even if they screwed the gig up they'd get a slap on the wrist a worst... but I wasn't made yet, even as hard as I was trying, so I had a vested interest in not cocking anything up. Seeing as these two had only begrudgingly agreed to be part of something as lowly as keeping an eye on possible rat, they weren't taking it very seriously. While we should have been quiet and attentive, we instead had an incredibly insipid conversation, it went something like this:

Me: "Alright, alright, so Vinnie, you're here to shoot the rifle, and I'm here to keep an eye out for trouble, but what's he doin' here?"

Vincent: "I'm not Vinnie you goof, dats Vinnie."

Me: "You're messing with me, the boss called you Vinnie not twenty minutes ago."

Vinnie: "Nah, we call me Vinnie, we call him Vincent."

Me: "Wait, you're both Vinnie?"

Vincent: "You got it all wrong, he's Vinnie, I'm Vincent.

Me: (Pointing at Vincent) But the boss called you Vinnie, I did not get you two confused. (pointing at Vinnie) You weren't even there!"

Vincent: "Yeah, so what?"

Me: "So what? So you're Vinnie too!"

Vincent: "What, you mean I shoulda corrected the boss? Forget about it!"

Me: "Well why's he gotta send both of you on the same job? Two guys he calls Vinnie? It's like a liability or somethin', gonna get the wires crossed!"

Vinnie: "The boss didn't send me, he doesn't even know I'm here."

Me: (exasperated) "Well then let's get back on track, whaddya doin' here, Vinnie?"

Vincent: "He owed me a favor, this rat could take hours to do somethin' stupid, and given the experience so far, I'd probably end up shooting myself before I shot him if I had to shoot the shit with your stupid ass the whole time."

Me: "Hey, if I knew this gig was a plus one I woulda brought a date, not some fat asshole, nothin' personal Vinnie."

Vinnie: "Hey! You want me to whack you or somethin'?"

Vincent: "C'mon Vinnie, you are a fat asshole, give the kid a break."

Vinnie: "Ah, forget about it!"

Me: "Hey, not to dampen this mood we got goin', but I've seen our rat walk by the window like half a dozen times while you been lookin' back at me. You gonna actually keep an eye on him or should I hold the rifle?"

Vincent: "Nobody touches this beauty but me. Not yet, I haven't even given her a name yet, and she's still a virgin!"

Me: "Alright, I won't touch your lady-friend, just keep your eyes on her or she's gonna get jealous."

Vinnie: (suddenly and very disbelieving) "I wasn't payin' attention, did you say Theresa's a virgin?"

Vincent: "Nah, the rifle not my girl."

Vinnie: "Ah, I was gonna ask you why she was wailing like banshee if you weren't, you know..."

Vincent: "Shut the hell up, Vinnie."

Vinnie: "Yeah, yeah."

Me: "Come on, you were lookin' through that scope for a total of six and a half seconds before you turned around and started jabbering to Vinnie again."

Vincent: (turning back to look through the scope) "Sorry, mom."

Me: "He get away yet?"

Vincent: "Nah, he's still scurrying about like a rat in a maze. I wish he'd sit still so I could shoot him more easy. Wait, you think he knows I'm up here, that we're gonna find somethin' out?"

Vinnie: "He'd have to be a real top-notch goof not to think we're watchin' his stupid ass."

Me: "Which makes him nervous, he's just nervous, a nervous guy is gonna pace whether or not he's a canary. Just keep an eye on him or he'll fly away!"

Vincent: "Whatever."

A minute goes by with Vincent actually watching the rat.

Vinnie: "I'm glad I had two cups a coffee before you picked me up."

Vincent: "Tell me about it, I'd fall right out the window if I'd skipped my fix."

Vincent has turned around again, I am glaring rancorously to no effect.

Vinnie: "Nothin' wakes you up like a black cuppa joe."

Vincent: "Black? Whaddya wanna knock yourself back out? You gotta make it smooth and sweet, somethin' to relax the hangover."

Vinnie: "Aw, come on, that's a woman's drink, don't tell me you drink it like that."

Vincent: "With two creams and two sugars or I'll go wild."

Vinnie: "You ain't kiddin'! I can hardly believe it, you iced more marks than I can count to and you drink it like that?"

Vincent: "Whassat gotta do with it? You're the nut job, drinkin' that swill, why dontcha just chew on the beans at that rate?

Vinnie: "Rather that then grow a pair of tits drinkin' what you drink."

Vincent: "You see, he's right, you are a fat asshole!"

Vinnie: "Well, maybe your new boyfriend can take you on a date when you've dolled yourself up with your lady drink."

Vincent: "You got bigger tits than Theresa, Vinnie, you're the one drinking the wrong kinda joe."

I cut Vinnie off before he can retort.

Me: "Oh my god, stop talking about tits or coffee or whatever and watch the fucking rat."

Vincent: "Hey, this is deep, we gotta figure this out."

Me: "We're gonna be deep underground if you let him get away."

Vinnie: "Nah, just you, we're made, we'll just say you messed it up."

Me: "Oh, that's just great, why don't you just shoot me now?!"

Vinnie: "I'm pullin' your leg! We wouldn't do that. Probably. Besides, he's not goin' nowhere, he's too busy stomping a track into his kitchen floor."

Me: "That'll be great comfort when the boss has my thumbs broken."

Vincent: "Stop changing the subject, new guy, you gotta break the tie."

Vinnie: "Yeah, it's gotta be black, right?"

Me: "Man I hardly even drink coffee, I don't fuckin' know."

Vinnie & Vincent: "What?!"

Vinnie: "This guy doesn't drink coffee? Where'd you find this asshole, Vinnie?!"

Vincent: "I-"

Me: "HEY! You just called him Vinnie! I knew it!"

Vinnie: "Wha- no I- you had me confused, you don't drink coffee, the hell is wrong with you?!"

Me: "It's just a drink, don't get so worked up about it."

Vinnie: "Ah, forget about it!"

Vincent: "Yeah, we'll have to ask the don, he'll set it straight, whaddya care what this cugine thinks, anyway?"

Vinnie: "Alright, alright, but I got another question."

Me: "I'm sure you do, Vincent, the rat, the rifle, at least pretend you give a shit!"

Vincent: (Turning back around to check on the rat again) "Ah, he's still there."

Me: "You sure?"

Vincent: "No, where the hell did he go?"

Me: "What?!"

Vincent: "Haha, gotcha!"

Vinnie and Vincent have a good long guffaw.

Me: "Remind me to knock out a few of your teeth when they confirm me, wiseguy."

Vincent: "You're welcome to try, if you want a free trip to the hospital."

Vinnie: "Damn it, I said I had another question, I'm gonna forget it!"

Vincent: "Alright, what?"

Vinnie: "So, you gotta think about this. But if you had to pick one, and one to be gone foreva, coffee or tea?"

Vincent: "What kind of a stupid ass ques-"

Vinnie: "No, no, no! You gotta look at the big picture, I ain't talkin' about you and me, I'm talkin' about the whole world."

Vincent: "That's still a stupid ass question, Vinnie, Tea can take a hike, everybody drinks coffee every day!"

Vinnie: "Sure, sure, here in America, but I said the whole world, Vince, you gotta really think about it!"

Vincent: "Alright, I thought about it, and you're an idiot."

Vinnie: "You know how many people need tea like we need coffee! Fuckin' China and the Brits, that's gotta be half the world!"

Vincent: "China and England aren't half the world, Vinnie.

Vinnie: "I was givin' an example or somethin', gimmie a break. But you gotta admit, those Brits would be jumpin' off Big Ben by the millions if they lose their tea. S'why I'm sayin' you gotta really think about."

Vincent: "Where do you come up with this shit? Alright, new guy, coffee is more important than tea. Vinnie's an idiot, right?

Me: "Look, I told you I don't even drink coffee."

Vincent whips around, rifle and all.

Vincent: "You're siding with this son of a bitch?!"

Me: "Whoa! I'm not siding with nobody, I just don't give a shit, Vince, point that thing somewhere else!"

Vincent: "Nah, I'm just messin' with you again!"

Vinnie and Vincent have another hearty guffaw.

Me: "For the love of baby Jesus, could you quit yappin' and keep an eye on the rat for more than ten seconds?!"

Vincent: "Nah, it doesn't matta."

Me: "What?"

Vincent: "The boss texted me five minutes ago, he's no rat, he's just nervous."

Me: "Then what have we been doin' here?!"

Vincent: "Talkin' about coffee and tits and shit, whaddya think?"

Vinnie: "Yeah, we gotta figure this stuff out, it can't be all about whackin' a rat."

Me: "Can I go back to having a shootout with the cops? At least then I knew what the hell was going on."

Vinnie: "You had a shootout with the cops?"

Vincent: "And he blew up a gas station."

Vinnie: "That was you?!"

Me: "Yeah, no big deal, there was blood, bullets and bodies everywhere, I didn't have time to clean it the slow way, so I just made a crater out of it.

Vinnie: "Damn it, I stop at that place for coffee! Why you gotta mess things up? I oughta pop you one!"

Me: "You're not serious."

Vincent: "He's catching on, Vinnie, I think we need a new mark."

Me: "Hey, don't get me wrong, you had me those other times, most people can't pull one over on me like that."

Vincent: "I think we just got a compliment from Mr. by-the-books here, look out the window, are pigs flyin'?

Vinnie: "Nah, just canaries."

Me: "Oh, shut up."

What makes Dead Kings special?
*by special I mean different and unusual, not inherently better, you’ll likely hate at least one of these things.

Strongly averts “because games” logic

The term “because games” is one I have coined myself for the purpose of describing something that gamers have come to expect from games, but that a non-gamer would likely find incredibly nonsensical. These bits of nonsense almost always occur as a result of technological limitations that became traditional and stayed in use even after the technology would support a different or better system. Sometimes simple lack of innovation or laziness results in an example of “because games”.

The worst examples I can give of “because games” logic are about encouraging otherwise needless murder. The first is the apparent soul-stealing property of most heroes in RPGs. I am aware that there are systems that function differently, but the typical method of gaining experience is to kill your enemy. This may seem normal to you, but that is only because you have become accustomed to it. This can actually be somewhat disturbing when analyzed closely. In Dead Kings you must only defeat and not necessarily kill an enemy to gain experience. If they surrendered or retreated, you still gain just as much experience as you would for slaying them. Many games encourage the player to massacre surrendering or retreating enemies, or encourage the player to murder those who are attacking them due to mistaken identity, just to steal a few more souls and level up!

Some games don’t even give the player the option of resolving a situation peacefully, some Ultima games, for example, give the player no method of progression besides cutting down helpless children! The player is meant to be a hero in those stories, not a bloodthirsty murderer of children! It’s not even played as dark humor, it just sort of... happens... like Richard Garriott had no idea how disturbing it was!

The final example is a relatively unheard of game, Temple of Elemental Evil. During the adventure the players come across a brothel. In the brothel the madam informs the player that a new whore refuses to have sex with anyone. The player can offer to see if he can change her mind or ‘break her in’... I know, not an option you expect in the game. I was very surprised at this, as games at the time were far too politically correct to even imply sex, much less rape! I was very exhilarated to see what possible choices could come out of this (for storytelling purposes, the tiny sprites were not going to offer much eroticism, I assure you!), as players were able to be good or evil in the story. It turns out in the dialogue the player has three options with the unfortunate prostitute. They can either leave her alone, free her and take her with them, or supposedly attempt to rape her. If the player attempts to rape her, she screams something along the lines of “over my dead body!” and combat commences. The player then only has the option to strike her down. The heavily armored, up to six very powerful warriors, against a small, naked girl with a knife that she could never even hope to injure them with. She started combat, so she must die! I could have excused the game having even evil players not follow through with sexual assault, and possibly just smack her down and tell her to shut up... but killing her? That goes entirely against the plan to make her into a profitable prostitute! That is the epitome of “because games”, and was the impetus for me to wish to make a game that never forces the player to murder someone when the characters clearly have no motive to do so. The game will never directly tell you not to, but killing people unnecessarily will certainly have consequences in Dead Kings!

In summary, people never even question the bizarre traditions in gameplay, and in many ways they shall be very surprised when their expectations are not met in Dead Kings!

Writers uninfluenced by political correctness
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for these ideals in real life, games do this because they are trying to appeal to more audiences. But do not be deceived, it is not done out of a desire to make a better story, it is done at the expense of story to make more money. Attempting to please all audiences neuters believability, and some enjoyment for everyone is lost in the process.

These editorial mandates are exhibited in many place, including:

-Normal women arbitrarily being as strong and combat capable as men.
-Equal treatment for sexes, races and sexual preferences.
-Invincible or complete lack of children, so that children cannot be harmed.
-Severely limited options for evil player and non-player characters.
-Evil characters are usually limited to insults, stealing and murder.
-Evil characters are never, ever sexually depraved. It’s okay to murder someone, but rape them?! Heavens, we’re evil, not monsters!

Now, this doesn’t mean that everyone in Dead Kings is an immoral, prejudiced, child raping monster. Just that those things are allowed to exist in Dead Kings. These things all exist without issue in movies, so why not games?

Gameplay uninfluenced by genre expectations

The active gameplay is well established to be recognizable as tactical RPG combat. Except when it’s not. Large scale strategy and even 4X elements are present in the design. On top of that, there are Raising Sim mechanics influenced mostly by Princess Maker titles for if and when the player decides to procreate.

Fantasy world that does not arbitrarily ignore the inequalities of a medieval setting

Nobles are not noble!
Nobles act like real-life nobles. At best they are careless and hedonistic, more often they are heartless predators, abusing the weak for profit or pleasure. This is not because the setting is meant to be ‘dark fantasy’, but because that’s how nobles actually act.

People who attempt to seize or hold onto great power are without exception challenged in their morality. Popular opinion is that there have been many remarkable leaders throughout history; those such as Catherine the Great and Alexander the Great are very well regarded. History would have you replace the word “Great” with “Inhuman Abomination”. Both were arrogant elitists, pointlessly cruel, murderous and utterly irredeemable. Accounts of their lives are marred with the enslavement of countless people and the massacre of any who resisted. They are no better than those the world despises, such as Hitler or Stalin, and yet are renowned as though they have any worth.

Some may argue that there are benevolent kings and queens in history, Elizabeth I of England, for example, but even she has moments of inexcusable evil. Even the theoretical ‘benevolent autocrat’ is still a man or woman controlling the lives of people that he or she has no right to interfere with. Essentially, if they were truly a good person, they would use their power to abolish nobility and replace it with an elected government. The only good kings are the last kings, or those who refused a crown. The point is that nobles in Dead Kings are assholes, because they’re nobles.

The characters in the Dead Kings world are realistically depicted for their classes. The hero of the story may have some moral flexibility in the choices the player may take, but in the end, anyone who wants to control others is of deeply flawed character, and unfortunately he is determined to be king.

A woman holding a sword? Ludicrous!
Women are incapable of complex thought or understanding. They are weak of body and will, and of no use in violent conflict. They are commodities to be traded, and objects to be used for pleasure and progeny. Their word holds no value in court or otherwise, as trust is deserved only by those worthy of respect, and everyone knows only men can be respectable.

This is the average opinion you will find regarding women in Dead Kings, as it is the sort of opinion one finds in a medieval world. It is shared even by the women, even if it upsets them, as they have been subjugated of all authority since birth. Fantasy game worlds inevitably treat men and women very equally, progressive even by modern standards, without even mentioning how unusual it is. I have no problem with an idealized world where women are treated with the respect they deserve, but it has become the norm in fantasy, even clichéd in how expected it is. In fact, I cannot think of any fantasy world, game or otherwise, that depicts the treatment of women with a medieval standard.

Horses and Servants
There is a confusing trend to show rich and noble knights travelling the lands and going on adventure without any of their servants or so much as a horse! A few recent games have remedied the cavalry deficiency, but none have contained a proper retinue of attendants and servants. Even merchants do not travel on foot, and they do not travel alone! In addition to the potential six main party members, the player will eventually obtain a following of dozens of cooks, laborers, squires and soldiers. Menial tasks that would otherwise be performed as tedious fetch quests, or the hauling and management of inventory, will be handled by peasants and retainers. Nobles do not collect twenty mushrooms from a festering swamp to appease a strangely entitled commoner, in fact, the mere suggestion of such a request may offend a noble and put the commoner in a dangerous situation! Why should an affluent noble leave behind heavy loot, or mine and carry loads of valuable ore when he could pay a meagre sum to a few desperate serfs to do it for him? This is also very much a “because games” problem, and was remedied by a much needed dose of common sense.

Balance does not create a rift between plot and combat

During cutscenes characters will not use abilities, magic or otherwise do things that they are not capable of in active gameplay.

This is so brand new an idea to games that you may not even realize the problem exists. This ties into averting “because games”, but I feel it deserves a special mention. It is less a subconscious tradition resulting from technological limitations, and more purely thoughtless writing and design.

Relationships and romance do not pander to “wish fulfillment”

I would describe player driven romances in games to be on the intelligence and maturity level of Mary Sue fan fiction at best. Real romantic relationships are not fueled by giving the correct set of shiny objects to someone, and then completing a side quest. That's not romance, that's a business deal, and shows the kind of emotional understanding seen only in a true basement dweller!

"Oh, I heard she likes cakes! I'll just keep giving her cakes until she'll let me have sex with her! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS, RIGHT?!"

When people are romantically attracted to each other, they give each other presents as a result of an established connection. They have to already like each other for that to happen. Repeatedly giving gifts to someone who has not shown any sign of interest, as games portray love, is a sign of being an obsessive stalker. Games do not understand this very basic interaction. Sharing an emotional bond that may lead to amorous activity in Dead Kings will require that the characters involved share interests, ideals and adventures. They do not need to perform side quests for each other, they must simply do anything at all as long as they do it together. I have found in my life that attempting to 'win a girl over' is a mostly fruitless endeavor, and that it is much easier to find a girl that actually likes me. This experience, which writers for other games have shown no sign of, is used to form the progression of romance in the story.

This covers a lot of the reasons I hate C++, in case you're interested:

cpp-home.com/tutorials/244_1.htm

Why C++ Sucks

C++ sucks because it is a mis-designed pile of crap.

All you have to do is read Bjarne Stroustrop's book on the design and evolution of C++ to understand why: C++ is the iMac of computing languages.

It was designed to have those features necessary to achieve popular success--not those features necessary to be a good programming language.

In the case of something like the iMac, much of the "prettiness" does not necessarily come at the expense of functionality--but this is not always the case. Reducing the iMac's expandability makes it simpler to use--but also potentially consigns it to a gutter market a few years down the road.

The Big Mistake: C Compatibility
In Stroustrop's mind, making C++ compatible with C was instrumental, crucial to its success.

I don't disagree. Plenty of other good object oriented languages are out there, and they've never found much success. Certainly the overhead of learning a brand new language is undoubtedly a significant barrier to acceptance.

I don't think it's any coincidence that Java chose to use C syntax for its core constructs, either.

But C++ went far further than Java in compatibility. C code works nearly unchanged in a C++ compiler. The model of how a C++ program can be separately compiled (i.e. split into multiple separate files) is identical to that of C.

But this introduces hosts of other problems, some which C++ addresses, some of which it addresses with problematic design, and some of which it simply falls down on.

This is not to laud Java--I do not have a particularly high opinions of that language. It does many good things, but owing to its history it also has some odd design elements. (Foremost amongst them being reliance on interpreters during its initial introduction.)

Keep It Simple, Stupid
C++'s biggest problem is its size. People will tell you that this is no big deal; just subset C++ down to whatever part of it you're willing to use; that can be a C subset or something a little larger, or the whole thing.

This logic can be used to justify an infinitely complex language, so one should hesitate to accept it at face value.

The biggest flaw with the argument is that it forces compiler writers to implement a larger language; correctness will be harder to get right, and optimization will suffer. In the case of C++, however, this no longer matters; there are essentially no "just C" compilers anymore to compare to, so any lowered performance of C++ is no doubt also seen by C.

Another significant problem is that it requires an investment of effort to select an appropriate subset. Moreover, you will have difficulty finding books that teach this subset; and, indeed, if you acquire a C++ algorithms book, the odds that the subset chosen for that book matches that of yours is low.

In other words, subsetting is the same as fragmenting the language into lots of separate dialects; it has all the same problems as that, with the added cost of none of those dialects having unique names. What does it mean to say "I've used C++ for six years" on a resume?

Similarly, learning a subset does you no good if you work with other people's code, and they do not use the subset you are expecting; you must be able to understand their subset, and even write it.

Finally, learning a subset doesn't guarantee that you won't avoid being bit by something that's not in the subset you've chosen. For example, you might choose (wisely, IMHO) to avoid using function overloading. You can't tell the compiler this, however, and thus you might unintentionally name two functions the same thing, and cause unimaginable problems thereby. Sure, you'll eventually figure it out, it'll just be another dumb bug, but why use a language that has any number of such gotchas lurking around every corner?

Suppose you choose to just use the C subset of C++. One of the changes C++ makes to C rules is that you can no longer automatically cast from (void *) to other pointer types. The reason for this is clear; in C++, (void *) types are used sufficiently often that hidden bugs might occur. (There is a counter-argument to this even in a C++ context: C++ encourages you to typecast more often than necessary, possibly masking bugs because your typecast hides what would be a real warning.)

Is this a real problem for C? No, it's not, it just means you need to do some extra casting. The following code doesn't work:


   x = malloc(sizeof(x) * num_elements);

Instead you must code it as


    x = (mytype *) malloc(sizeof(x) * num_elements);

Of course, if you are familiar with the idiom found in the first example, you see the flaw in the second; the first version avoids a bug by not explicitly naming x's type; thus if that type changes, the code still (most likely) does the right thing. With the second code, if you change x's type, C++ will complain about the type error, so it won't introduce an error--just unnecessary typing to fix it.

If you're using C++ proper, you would just use the new operator to sidestep this... ignoring the fact that new requires the name of the type...

Too Much Typing
I guess I'm just a whiner if many of my problems boil down to C++ requiring too much typing. Typing is such a tiny fraction of programming that it's not that big a deal. Yet it grates to see such extra 'accidental' (in the sense of Fred Brooks 'No Silver Bullet', i.e. in opposition to 'essential') work required for no good reason.

Example #1
In C, I write a new function, and then add a prototype to the header file. Having to add that prototype is annoying 'accidental' effort; there is no reason this redundancy must be shoveled onto the programmer (it could easily be automatically generated, a la Java or Borland's Turbo Pascal). That something like a header file is needed for separate compilation is undeniable; but that I must maintain it by hand is largely silly.

Still, it's not that much work. Cut and paste, put an 'extern' at the front of the line and a ';' at the end of the line, and you're done:



C file:
   int myFooBar(Foo *foothing, Bar *barthing)
   {
      ...
   }

H file:
   extern int myFooBar(Foo *foothing, Bar *barthing);

Whether this worked out by chance or not, these are easy editting operations to perform without moving your hands from the keyboard; cut a single line (in 'vi', 'yy'; in a windows editor: home, shift-end, ctrl-c), switch buffers, paste, go to beginning of line and type 'extern', go to end of line and type ';'.

The effort is justified because all this information needs to be available for separate compilation.

Consider the equivalent thing for a method in C++:


CPP file:
   int Foo::myBar(Bar *barthing)
   {
      ...
   }

H file:
   class Foo
   {
      ...
      int myBar(Bar *barthing);
      ...
   };

Sure, in this example, the function declaration itself may be shorter, making C++ look better than C, but I'm comparing C++ to a similar, imaginary OO language that doesn't suck.

To make the C++ cut and paste, I don't need to add 'extern' at the front. Instead I have to reach into the middle of the declaration and delete the 'Foo::'. This is actually more work--at least for me, it takes longer, and more thinking, to do this. (You have to actually parse the declaration, which gets more complex as the return value type gets more complex.)

Example #2
Worse yet, C++ makes this necessary in circumstances that it shouldn't be.

Suppose that class Foo in the example above inherits from Baz; and Baz includes as a member in its declaration virtual int myBar(Bar *barthing);. Now, when I want to go implement Foo, I choose to override the definition of myBar found in Baz.

C++ makes me spell out in the declaration of class Foo exactly which methods I'm going to override.

Even though the whole point of virtual functions is that the dispatch occurs at run-time--no compile-time support needed.

Pointless.

Oh, and did I mention that this sort of thing leads to extra unnecessary recompilation?

Why?
I think I know why C++ does it this way. The thing is, if I subclass Foo to make, say, Biz, then if Biz doesn't define myBar for itself, it will need to store a pointer to Foo::myBar in its virtual function table. Thus, the compiler needs to know about everything that goes on under the hood with Foo to build Biz correctly. (Similarly if Biz defines it itself, but calls ::myBar.)

That means, of course, that everything 'under the hood' must be exposed in the class definition. The entire 'private' section must be exposed to subclasses (and also so that 'sizeof' works correctly).

You can try to work around the excess recompilation introduced by this by having multiple header files with differing levels of detail in them; the subclasses and the implementation of the class see the full description, whereas the rest of the world only sees the public definition, unless they need to sizeof... well, as you can imagine, I don't know anyone who actually tries to do that. (It would help if you could flag a class definition as 'incomplete' so inclusions of the wrong header file would fail to compile, instead of producing bugs.) I'm not actually sure that doing this is legal C++, anyway.

This all misses the point. Part of C++'s success is that it didn't require rewriting the linker (after all, initially it just was translated into C code). Separate compilation could be done without needing to see the innards of other classes if the virtual function tables were built up at link time. Even without rewriting the linker, the patching could be done at runtime, during startup. This does not need exposure. (The sizeof problem would still remain.)

Example #3
Yet another case is that of the C-style "static function". Suppose I decide I want to break Foo's implementation of myBar down into multiple smaller steps, using helper functions. Since the code is based around an object, I still want to make these be methods of the class so that I get a 'hidden this' and can refer to instance variables conveniently.


  /* C code: */
     static void myFooBarHelpFunction(Foo *foothing, int intermediate_value)
     {
        ...
     }

     int myFooBar(Foo *foothing, Bar *barthing)
     {
        int value = computeSomething(foo,bar);
        myFoobarHelpFunction(foo, value);
        ...
     }

  // C++ code:
     void Foo::myBarHelpFunction(int intermediate_value)
     {
        ...
     }

     int Foo::myBar(Bar *barthing)
     {
        int value = computeSomething(bar);
        myBarHelpFunction(value);
        ...
     }  

The C++ example is incomplete. As you can see, it lacks the static keyword. This is because, to implement this in C++ like this, you have to add a declaration of this function to the class definition. That's right, to do a local, hidden modularization of this function, which cannot be seen or used by anybody else, including subclasses, you have to touch the class definition, which normally (as noted above) is exposed in the header file to anyone and everyone who interacts with the class. (At least this seems to be the case. Am I missing something?)

Oh, thanks.

And don't forget to delete Foo:: when you add it to the header file.

You can work around this by privately subclassing the type, thus allowing you to create a local class MySubClass type with local, non-exposed declarations. You still end up with a declaration and a definition, as opposed to C where you only need the definition if you put the functions in the right order. And you will have to downcast pointers that are passed in. But it avoids the header dependency.

Pet Peeves
Don't get me wrong. The above three examples aren't just pet peeves. I think of them as serious design flaws. I have pet peeves about the language and the typing therein as well, but they lean more towards personal taste:


Having to prefix every method definition with Foo:: is stupid. We should be able to wrap our definitions inside something like class Foo { ... } and not have to prefix with Foo:: inside it. Of course you could do exactly this, but you can only have one definition of a class, so you can't do this and also include a header file with the class declaration in it, so you need to include the full declaration locally. (Also, providing a mechanism like this would also make cutting and pasting into the header file easier.)
constructors and deconstructors return void, even thought C++ denies it. Yes, removing the need for void from the parameter list and as a prefix on constructors/deconstructors can be seen as an opportune 'fix' to reduce typing, since C++ doesn't back-support K&R C the way ANSI/ISO C does. Sorry, I don't buy it; the amount of typing saved is irrelevent. (It's one thing to save lots of cut&paste editting motion; saving typing four characters while one is already in the middle of typing characters is saving me something like 5 seconds a week.) It introduces a pointless inconsistency.
etc. (Why waste time on pet peeves when there's more juicy bits?)
Indirection
Indirection is the source of nearly all that is good about computer programs. Pointers or handles are crucial to writing code that does more than formula processing.

A relatively crucial element of object-oriented programming is the introduction of indirect function calls. Sure, imperative programming has them as well, but most OO languages make them ubiquitous; many people consider virtual the most important keyword distinguishing C++ and C--that is, if you never use virtual, you may be using classes, but you could just as easily be writing in C.

The thing is that unlike, say, Smalltalk, not all indirection in C++ is at run-time. Stroustrop considered this an important element of C++'s success--by providing multiple mechanisms, you can select the one with the appropriate trade-off of power vs. performance overhead.

But more is not necessarily better. One can imagine a language in which a compiler makes these trade-offs automatically for you. You can imagine a language in which a single keyword changes the underlying implementation, with no syntactic or semantic variations visible.

Not so C++.

In C, a function call can only happen one way:

... foo(x,y); ...

If 'foo' is a variable that is a function pointer, this call is indirect; if not, it is direct. You generally can't tell from syntax, although many people choose to use one of two conventions to distinguish them: either a naming convention (function pointer variables include an extra word in the name), or a syntactic convention for function pointer variables (which is actually legal with function names as well, if I recall correctly):

... (*foo)(x,y); ...

(There are actually some cases where the syntax is unambigous about which, for example (foo->bar)(x) must be an indirect call--that is, any expression where the name would go.)

Assuming you use one or the other convention, then, the two modes of function call are unambiguous to distinguish. Assuming the call is direct, there is a simple mechanic for finding the callee; search back through the source, looking for a prior definition of 'foo' which is now in scope. If not found, grep the header files for exported functions. Only one function named 'foo' can be exported without introducing linker errors, so the result is unambiguous.

If a function call is indirect, the exact same search will tell you where the function variable is defined. An arbitrary effort may be necessary to be expended to determine where that call goes.

Object-oriented languages attempt to make indirection more useful by structuring it. Instead of going "just anywhere", a message send must go to one of the subclasses of a given class, and share that name.

Improving the ability of a programmer to understand indirect function calls is surely a laudable goal. Object-oriented languages are rich with designs people would be unlikely to attempt with C's unwieldy do-it-yourself function indirection methodology.

But there is much to dislike about C++'s execution.

Syntax
As noted above, there is exactly one syntax in C that leads to function calls (the variant syntax in the latter example stands for the exact same semantics); one syntax, but two semantics.

In C++ there are eight syntaces and quite a few semantics.

No joke:

regular function call (expression context): foo(a,b)
constructor call (declaration context): Foo foo
constructor call (declaration context): Foo foo(a,b)
constructor call (expression context): new Foo
constructor call (expression context): new Foo(a,b)
destructor call (block end): }
destructor call (statement context): delete foo;
overloaded operator (expression context): foo+bar
(I'll fold copy/assignment constructors in with overloaded operators.)
Even if you disagree with my splitting the constructors up that way, there'd still be six; moreover, unambiguously, there are four different contexts in which function calls occur (declaration, expression, statement, and block end).

Constructors and Destructors
Of course, if you use constructors and deconstructors in the "right" way, this isn't as bad as it sounds. Constructors and deconstructors only do "good things"; the constructors and deconstructors happen at "times" when such things are best suited to run.

But, nonetheless, this doesn't necessarily make programs easy to comprehend. An example off the top of my head: if an object in a deconstructor removes itself from a hash table, introducing a bug because the hash table shrinks itself, screwing up the currently executing hash iterator, you may spend a long time discovering what is going on.

If we accept, though, that the constructor and destructor calls are there because that leads to better, more comprehensible semantics--that any object-oriented language is going to need something like constructors and destructors--we are only left with two syntaces to discuss: plain function calls and overloaded operators.

Overloaded Operators
Many style guides strongly recommend disallowing overloaded operators. Some advocate allowing operator overloading for mathematical data structures, like bignums, complex numbers, vectors, matrices, and the like. (Care and handling of copy and assignment constructors is more complex, so I'll simply dispense with attempting to argue about them.)

The argument for avoiding overloading operators is often this simple one: it is to easy for someone reading the code to not realize that there are function calls going on. An ordinary syntax that does not normally resemble a function call is suddenly potentially a function call.

The argument for allowing it for math is simple: the expediency of the syntax overwhelms the argument against it. Nothing particularly surprising is going on under the hood, except possibly the performance overhead.

I cannot argue against this philosophy. I choose not to apply it, as the amount of actual addition or subtraction of vectors in my code is so inconsequential that the typing cost is insignificant; nor do I find the shorter, simpler syntax involving overloaded operators to cause me to introduce fewer bugs. But this is surely more a matter of taste than of logic.

Clearly, one would like operator overloading to follow the principle of least suprise. Operators which normally are side-effect free should remain side-effect free. One would hope operators which are normally commutive remain commutative, and associative associative; but this is not always the case (e.g. matrix multiplication). 

But in a short function, in which the types of the variables are obvious, one has trouble imagining operator overloading causing much trouble.

Idioms
The advantages of concise idiom are legion. I have an enormous number of C idioms I use without thought; idioms in the sense that if you are not familiar with them, the meaning of the code may not be immediately obvious. They are easy enough to figure out if you stop and think, but the power of the idiom comes from the lack of need to think; it is easier to understand a larger chunk of code all at once if the elements of it are idioms.

Here are two idioms I use frequently:

   // n loops from n-1 ... 0
   while (n--) {
      ...
   }

   // i = (i + 1) mod n
   if (++i == n) i = 0;

Notably, these idioms rely on preincrementing and postdecrementing, so the odds are high that a reader will have to stop and hesitate and think about the meaning of the code. (The idioms would not normally have the comments describing their meaning.)

Idioms make operator overloading doubly tempting. One aspect is that it allows the use of familiar idioms in new contexts:

   for(FooIter *i(foo); (bool) i; ++i) {
      ... *i ...
   }

(Something like that--I'm not very familiar with C++ operator overloading.)
A second aspect is that it allows the creation of new idioms. Expression syntax is much more powerful for idiomatic constructions than function call syntax. You may have seen this sort of construction in C, using a conventional return value to empower an idiom:


   x = listAdd(listAdd(listAdd(listAdd(newList(), a), b), c), d);

(Specifically, I've seen code like that used for adding elements to a window.)
The indirection and nesting there is ugly, and so you can see it as much clearer if you could use an idiom like:


   x = newList() + a + b + c + d;

I'm not suggesting that people would like this off the cuff; but they might find it tempting to allow operator overloading simply because it allows them to coin such idioms--not just to save typing, but because it becomes much more rapidly comprehenisble. (The nested listAdd()s above are also an idiom, but the difference in ease of comprehension is apparent.)

But this way lies madness!

Such idioms may be powerful, but they build on new, unrelated meanings of the underlying symbols.

It is (I imagine) exactly this reasoning that introduced the ubiquitous operator overloading found in the C++ stream library.

Ask a C programmer what this code does:

a << b << c << d << e;

She will tell you "nothing". None of the operators have side-effects. In C.

Do they have side-effects in C++?

It depends on what functions they call.

C++ programmers swiftly adjust to the use of <<. It seems natural and perfectly reasonable. But don't be fooled by it. Most style guides recommend against coining new forms of operator overloading. That supposed power of idiom is simply too fraught with peril.

Keep this in mind: the argument by analogy to C idioms is broken, because the C idiom is constructed of unambiguous items right there on the page. Comprehending an unfamiliar C idiom just requires parsing the code--an action the reader was already doing. There's no 'secrecy' at all--it just takes a little longer.

Semantics
As noted previously, there are two semantics for a plain C function call. Determining which semantic is in operation is as easy as searching back through the file for the name, and then grepping header files for the name.

Not so for C++. C++ has both run-time indirection and compile-time indirection. In fact, it has a number of flavors of the latter.


   foo(x,y);


a plain C-style function call
a plain C-style indirect function call
a call to a non-virtual method in this class, or any parent class
a call to a virtual method (again defined in any ancestor)
a call to a templated function
a call to a method in a templated class
one of several functions of any of the above types, all with the same name, but different numbers of parameters
one of several functions of any of the above types, all with the same name, the same number of parameters, but different formal parameter types

   foo->bar(x,y)

a plain C-style indirect function call (e.g. bar is a public function pointer)
a call to a non-virtual method in foo's class, or any parent class
a call to a virtual method (again defined in any ancestor of foo)
a call to a method in a templated class
one of several functions of any of the above types, all with the same name, but different numbers of parameters
one of several functions of any of the above types, all with the same name, the same number of parameters, but different formal parameter types
Some of the variants above may not seem like truely distinctive semantics; however, the distinction between run-time and compile-time dispatch is obvious, and the other distinctions are there to call attention to the effort required for someone to locate the implementation of the called function. Any of those cases could turn out to be true, and each is defined differently.

Templates offer the best example of my core complaint. At their heart (ignoring the committee-driven creeping featurism), templates are there to allow you to do something like define a generic hash table class, but specialize it to be implemented "directly" for some specific class, instead of having to pay indirect dispatches at runtime.

However, I've stated previously, I find this approach flawed, because it introduces an entirely new syntax and semantics. I would much prefer if you just defined the hash table as taking some abstract base class, defined your elements to be hashed as deriving from that base class, and then used a magic 'specialize' keyword to 'instantiate the template'. (Of course, personally I'd prefer a Smalltalk-like approach where you didn't need to use abstract base classes at all; the same sort of specialization is nonetheless entirely withint the realm of computability; and Java implementations may attempt to do JIT inlining to achieve the same effect, much as the academic language Self (something of a sequel to Smalltalk) did in the early 1990's.)

Moreover, those lists are far too short, as they don't call attention to the bewildering variety of problems introduced by function name overloading.

At least if all overloaded functions with the same name have different numbers of parameters, the result of the call is unambiguous. A grep for the name will turn up a number of matches, and if the line declaring the function is longer than a single line, some additional effort may need to be expended to figure out just which one. Annoying, but not impossible.

Far worse is the use of multiple names with the same number of parameters. You have to figure out the (compile-time) type of every parameter, exactly, before you can make the right call about which function is called. Go look up through the code to determine the type of any variable used; check in the header file to see what type is returned by this function; try to remember whether * means a dot product or a cross-product of two vectors.

Ok. Now you've got the types.

Go read the definition for how the "best" match for an overloaded function is resolved. I'll still be here. Go ahead.

Set intersection. I don't know about you, but I don't normally do much set intersection when I write function calls.

Ok, let's be fair. You can state it unambigously in English without reference to set intersection: the 'winning' function must have all its parameters "type match" at least as well as all the other candidates, and one of its parameters must "type match" better. (Set aside the rules for "type matching", and the inclusion of user-defined type conversions in them. This rant is already way too long.)

It's easy, in fact, to see how the specified rules underscore human intuition about best match. At least, each rule in isolation does so. I have my doubts about the combination.

Still, I find it a bit uncomfortable. I worry about the compiler's intuition not matching mine. I'd be more comfortable if the compiler only picked out a particular function for me if it was unambiguous; say, because every parameter was a better match for the "winner".

Problem is, that would preclude having, say, all the matching functions sharing, say, a common first element that is the same type. Such functions would always match equally. It's easy to see why C++ uses the rule it does.

The above considerations were based on a programmer who was trying to intentionally leverage function name overloading. What about one who isn't?

Suppose in C I define a function "foobar" in one module, and a define another one with the same name in another module, but with different argument types. In draconian fashion, C will produce a linker error, and force me to rename one or the other.

Is this so bad?

Consider the alternative found in C++: these two functions may be totally unrelated, but through a commonness of the English language (e.g. the same word having two different meanings; consider simply the word 'heap' in the sense of a semi-ordered data structure versus a pool of memory) share an identical name. In C++, name-mangling means those two functions can happily live within the same namespace, and within the same project.

Is this a problem?

What happens if I'm calling foobar() somewhere in my code, and then someone introduces a new #include in my code which now brings the other foobar() into scope? What if I was relying on some automatic type conversions in my call to foobar(), and the new foobar() now matches "better"?

And think about this: is it good that the different functions could come via different semantic mechanisms? So if I grep for "foobar", thinking it is coming from one sort of place, I may miss that a "better match" is being introduced through a different compile-time indirection?

And think about this: is it good that I can add "default arguments" to functions declarations, thus messing up my attempt to cull out possible function calls based on the argument counts not matching?

What a freaking pile. 

What the hell is Technic?
Technic is essentially a ‘brand’ of modpack for Minecraft. What was once a po-dunk ‘copy these files to your Minecraft directory’ has become an open-source Spout-based launcher that does all the heavy lifting for you.

What about Don Brand.

Well, mobile.sprinkles1435.us is pulling up the default "Hia! This website is brand fucking new!" page.

Guess you'll have to wait for supes or someone else to come along that actually knows what they're doing. Or, you know... keep Googling :D

Too long distance.

Don't you know what a switch is? Or do you want to know the brand or similar?

You would need to pull the sticks out to see what they really are. If they don't say somewhere directly on a stick, there should at least be a brand and model number for you to googlez to ascertain how much ram you really have. Maybe try reseating it, too, just for kicks.

From http://compnetworking.about.com/od/workingwithipaddresses/f/getrouteripaddr.htm

Ah, school... then go with the laptop for sure :D
I just figured I'd mention it, cuz for some reason a lot of people will buy a laptop, and then never take it anywhere, so they could have spent the money on an even better desktop :P

But, I think you'll like MSI you mentioned. I looked at some of the reviews, and the one thing most people were complaining about was that the keyboard doesn't light up xD
There were a couple people who said the wireless card on it was kinda weak though, so if you're planning on using wifi a lot, you might wanna look into that.

Well, it would be impractical, because I'll need to do a lot of computer work at school, and then I'd have to constantly transfer files and programs from the school's computer to my home desk computer.

Honestly, once you get up into that price range, I don't think the brand really matters. I just looked at the specs, and they're pretty nice, I think you would be happy with it.

Is it mandatory that you get a laptop though? Cuz for the same price, you could build a desktop that's ridiculous.

wtf u all talking of? adnimals? lol, anyways yes i have Ati graphic card, and my pc is brand new, my whole desktop freezes, i need to alt tab again until i find the CS randomly, then i need to exit to then go to normal, i will try d3d mode soon, righ tnow i use the window mode and it functions well lol but letters to smal...

That's what the deleting your character part is for. You'd get diminishing or no returns for repeating the same quest... but the game can't possibly punish you for repeating something as a brand new character. It's kind of a meta-grind! Neat! Only not!

Top brand golf clubs

Here you can find a great variety of top brand golf clubs for sale with a very nice price, Clone callaway iron set, Clone taylormade iron set,Titleist clones etc. ishiner, to improve your game, enjoy the high-tech used by pros, and economize on your golf equipments.

Wii Fat
How to Kill a Brand
Red Ring of Death
Nikky nikky Nintendo

Well folks , i bought me a super duper brand new laptop



it's an alienware mx17 , i upload pics later but some details
about the new pc




intel core 2 duo extreme processor

ati dual graphics


500 gb hard drive

4gb of ram


and bought sepertly a razor mouse

I will give this map a try with compiling considering i just got a brand new comp made for compiling big files. If it doesnt work I think your screwed.


EDIT: After a long 20 minutes i have succesfully made it past Leafthreads and i am attempting the rest... THIS IS MY TIME SO BE THANKFUL! becuase i cant play games while compiling the most massive map ever made.


EDIT: This map is just to big....

22795 faces
Create Patches : 113694 base patches
0 opaque faces
1306859 square feet [188187776.00 square inches]
Error: Exceeded MAX_PATCHES
Description: The map has a problem which must be fixed

Oh eDan sorry i forgot about this post well actually the whole thing took about 1.55 seconds (the complete file) and i was kinda weirded out by that even though i just got a brand new computer and it got over clocked at 48000 i still didnt see how it was compiling that fast turns out leaks actually speed up the process? (or cut things out) because there was a leak in my map i didnt bother to fix until after and it takes about 30 seconds for the lighting now 2 minutes total. You got me to think why it was so fast and now i understand leaks are more than just a leak. Thanks eDan

just to add to this error, i have now created a brand new basic beginners tutorial box map withe 1 ct and 4 walls and a roof and this doesnt run either... think i moght have to re install...

1.========

Two blondes are walking in the forest when they come across marks in the ground.

One says to another, 'Oh, look at the deer tracks!'

'Those aren't deer trucks, you dumb blonde!' says the other. 'They're bear prints.'

'Deer tracks, you dumb blonde!'

'Bear prints, you dumb blonde!'

Next day's headlines : Two blondes killed by train in forest.


2.========


A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

3.========


This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"

The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"

The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."

"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.

Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"

The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"

Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"

So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!

"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"

Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"



4.========


A man walks into a country club, and asks to play a round of golf. The man behind the counter suggests he try one of their brand new mechanical caddies. The guy had just gotten his paycheck, so he had money to burn, he figured "what the hell".

He took the caddy out and it was great, it would tell him what club to use, what was wrong with his swing, and what direction his putts would break and how much. The man gets done, and shoots the best round of his life.

A month later he comes back and asks for one of the caddies. The manager replies, "I'm sorry, but we had to get rid of them." The man a little confused asks, "Why did you get rid of them, they were great." The manager explained that they were made out of metal, so when the sun reflected off of them, it blinded the other golfers.

Still confused, the man adds, "Well, why didn't you just paint them black?"

The manager replies "Well, we tried that, but then 2 of them didn't show up for work, and the others robbed the clubhouse."

5.========


Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

Personally I'd place my standards a bit higher than that. But then, perhaps one prefers one's country's brand. AJ I'd imagine you could do better than that.

But always remember the joke: women are like parking spaces - sometimes you use a disabled one and don't tell anybody.

I del-ed it, and made a brand new one,anyway Thx KD





do you remember the name of the Wad file that contains sky texture?

Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000,
Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago
motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the
freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself
a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the
freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued
Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he
couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus
a new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their
handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case
there are any other complete morons buying their
vehicles.)

Yeah they had a commercial with a guy trying to eat only 1 potato chip .

there was also a reference to that in Johnny Bravo ( you know that cartoon right ? ) where the initiation test was for him to eat only 1 potato chip , he couldn't resist

That brand of potato chips was suppose to be so good. Their modo was they are irresistable or something like that

BTW Behind Chuck Norris's beard is not a chin just another fist

THIS is how much I sometimes manage to frantically write down about a dream before I forget everything. SuperJer is officially blown out of the water. No, my dreams are not ALWAYS this coherent. There are a few "non-canon" things that I'm sure I forgot about that I dreamt while in the middle of this, but I didn't bother writing them. If you've got a big brain and play/watch a lot of semi-obscure games/anime you'll probably be able to tell where most things in this came from.

I honestly don't expect any of you to actually read all of this, I just wanted to blow superjer up.

I basically never edit my dream notes after I first draft them, there's a few weird sentence structure problems and a few grammar mistakes. Get over it.

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I was on a beach running towards a walled city (about a mile away) with a mother and her two daughters while being chased by something called a Finisher. The Finisher was dusty white skeleton with a purple hooded cloak and a spear that could teleport. They are created by powerful mages and monsters to be sentient assassins, but do not disappear if their creator dies. This one had no master, and just liked to kill things as far as I could tell. I was still badly injured from a previous fight so I was hoping I could avoid combatting it, for whatever reason I'd decided to help that family get away from it too. The Finisher kept appearing behind us and disappearing and occasionally it would appear close enough to attack me (I was at the rear) and I'd have to block it. Eventually he appeared in front of me, and said,

"I'll spare the rest if the youngest is left behind."

This made me realize that he thought I was strong enough to be a threat to him. I said,

"I was never told that Finisher Coso was such a fool as to show his hand to an enemy."

He then responded,

"The youngest will die no matter the outcome."

This made me think this Finisher DID have a master... he really wanted her dead. He turned towards the family, who stupidly had not continued running during our dialogue... and before I could do anything teleported and impaled the little girl, killing her instantly. The older daughter and mother just froze in fear and shock. I lunged at the Finisher (I had no weapon, mind you, and had apparently been cut and stabbed at least a dozen times in the past day) and while _barely_ avoiding his spear grabbed his wrist... bone... and with a flash of light did something that apparently sealed his magical abilities. It left him unable to teleport or use the hand that wrist was attached to. He attempted to do an overhead swing with the spear at me one-handed, but I fairly easily grabbed it with two hands and wrenched it away from him, pulling him face first into the sand in the process. As he attempted to stand up I thrust it straight through his skull, smashing it to pieces and killing him.

Things were looking up... I had a weapon now, and a very strong one. The spear was fairly lightweight but made of some dark grey magical material that would bend slightly but not break under extreme circumstances. The point was sharp enough to thrust directly into rock and the shaft was approximately 6 and a half feet long.

The older daughter was still standing wide-eyed in shock but the mother had moved on to crying (and I mean like, loud, screaming horrible crying) and huddling over the youngest daughter's corpse. Lucky for her I had some seriously over-the-top magical powers. I told her there was still time and that I could still save her. I placed one hand on the deceased's forehead and one over her heart (it wasn't all gross or awkward, she was too young to have boobs), closed my eyes and suddenly my vision was filled with a very scary rotting demonic face.

I said, "Return this girl's soul, I will heal the body."

It looked almost amused and responded, "This girl died by a Finisher's spear. You can't save her."

Finally I said something that I might actually say in the waking world...

"That sounds like a challenge!"

It's expression became much more serious, and it said, "Have it your way, she will simply die again from the same wound."

What I did at this point hurt a LOT. I really can't express in words the sheer utter pain this caused me... I thought the parasite in the back was bad in a previous dream but this SERIOUSLY fucking HURT. I'm pretty sure what I did was dig into one of the wounds I already had, wrench out a chunk of bloody meat, and use it to magically replace the flesh that the Finisher's spear had destroyed. This part hurt considerably less than the next... using what I can only assume was my own blood and soul I used some form of magic that forced her soul back into what was no longer entirely her own body (that makes it harder to do) and broke past the curse a Finisher puts on their slain victims. I can only imagine the sensation felt like burning alive. When it was over, I passed the fuck out... if only for a moment.

When I awoke the mother was hugging her children a lot, and the children were complaining that it was awkward/embarrasing/that they were hungry. The younger sister's dark blue kimono-ish clothes didn't show blood very well, but my white dress shirt and bandages were now a solid bright red. If things were realistic I'd have been very dead at this point. At least I'm pretty sure that like usual I wasn't human in this dream... apparently I used as much magic as I could when I killed Finisher Coso and ressurected the girl, because I wasn't able to heal myself much. I saw a bunch of people in white hooded robes running towards us from the city and then passed out again.

I awoke in a poorly lit and fairly cramped room with wooden walls and a low slanted ceiling. At the other side of the room was a man I recognized as the General of the walled City's defense forces. I will be refering to him as General Souther to avoid confusion. He was completely bald and looked to be in his late forties. Other than being a little scruffy he had no facial hair. He looked a little bit like Bruce Willis, but not enough to make me think his likeness came from him. He was wearing a fairly standard suit of light plate armor. It had the whole harness thing going on, the front side of his legs had plate but the back just had mail. He had bracers but lacked upper arm protection. I had the feeling that we hadn't seen each other in a while but had known each other for a very long time. He wasn't wearing a helmet, probably because he was busy sorting through some paperwork on the desk he was sitting at. I was still badly injured, I'm not sure how long it had been since I got all sleepy, but it couldn't have been more than eight hours. I was able to stand, and did so quietly. I walked up behind General Souther and tapped him on the shoulder. He practically jumped out of his chair. He had a southern accent, hence the name.

"Dammit boy, I oughta put a bell on you!"

"Sorry, where is The Finisher's spear?"

"Equipment, end of the hall on the right... how the damn hell can you stand up with a hole the size of a fist ripped outta your stomach?!"

"I've had worse. It doesn't hurt."

That wasn't a lie, it didn't hurt at all.

"I swear, you Empire guys aren't human."

"How sweet of you to say."

"Get on outta here, you stink like a carcass."

"Uh... where's my shirt?"

"Burned it. Nobody wanted to clean it. The mages wouldn't even come near you. Afraid of your blood and all that nonesense."

"Well fuck... I was kinda hoping I'd wake up with all my parts intact."

At that, I went out into the hall, to the end of it, turned right... and the door was locked. I was too lazy to ask for somebody to open it so I just yanked the nob right outta the door... there were only two things in the room that weren't contained in large crates. The Finisher's spear and his hooded cloak. I took both... didn't want to scare any children with my gaping wounds. Also, I knew at this time as I did before that a Finisher's spear is extremely valuable and his cloak only marginally less so. Both are very magical... the spear for obvious reasons. The cloak was a little more subtle, it made the wearer immune to non-violent death and injury. As in, you don't age or get sick and things like poison and curses have no effect on you. I went up some stairs that were at the same end of the hall as the equipment room and out into the sunlight... The area looked like this:

!!! Forum can't handle my ascii, it was in a weird font !!!

I walked to the left as soon as I exited the building, went about 40-feet, and realized that my wounds were too serious and I couldn't walk anymore. There was a big rock next to the road that was almost completely flat on top so I crawled up on to it and laid down. It wasn't comfortable but I liked the fresh air. A man and his boy (probably about 12, dressed similarly to the little girl from before) walked past and the man looked like he was pretending I wasn't there. The kid was tugging on him and talking about me. I don't think they thought I could hear them...

"Can I talk to him?"

"No! Keep your distance, he's an Empire soldier."

"But he saved that kid! I bet he's nice!"

"Nobody from the Empire is nice. Let's go."

The kid proceeded to complain and they got too far away to hear... I'm not sure why everyone distrusted people from the Empire so much... I don't know much about this "Empire" except that I was from there and that I was a fairly high-ranking soldier. There were a few other obvious things like that the Empire was the most powerful force in the area, and that empire soldiers didn't often come to towns like this. By that I mean this town was on the fringes of the Empire and was mostly an autonomous city-state that defended itself, but was still ruled by the Empire. I think most of the people's distrust came from rumors they heard, because I don't think an Empire soldier had set foot in this city in many years. I had begun the process of healing myself, I felt I had regained enough MP or whatever to pull it off... when some more kids showed up... lots of chillin' in this here dream. Of the half-dozen or so chillins two of them were the sisters that I saved earlier. The other four were all boys about the same age as the last one. The younger sister looked to be 8 or 9 years old and the older one had to be 14 or 15. They all looked really happy, like they were getting away with something fun by talking to me without their parents around to haul them off. They were all whispering to each other stuff like "Wow, cool! A soldier!" and "Look at that wound! He's gotta be super-strong to live through that!" excitedly when the older sister decided to actually say something 'to' me.

"You got hurt helping my sister... can I help you get better?"

I don't know why I always have to be so... bad... in dreams... I decided to say:

"Does your mom have a husband?"

She looked a little confused... but answered anyway.

"Yeah, he said we shouldn't talk to you, but my mom said we could."

Too bad she was't single... but now I had a twisted justification... their mom was pretty hot by the way...

"Is he tough?"

She smiled and said, "No, mom bosses him around a lot, he's a wimp."

All the kids laughed at this one.

"Well tell her to come out here and give me a kiss and I'll feel a lot better."

The boys now had decided I was the coolest person ever. The older sister looked really embarrased and said, "I can't tell mom that!"

One of the boys immediately yelled out, "Empire soldiers rule! I'm gonna go say it for you!"

They all ran off and the older daughter was yelling, "No, don't!" and such.

After a few more minutes General Souther came out and talked to me. I guess he just had nothing better to do... I'm pretty sure that Finisher Coso was the worst thing that had come near this city in quite a while. This was a peaceful, although well defended town.

"What's the matter with you, boy? You get outta that bed to come lay on a rock?"

"S'better than staring at the back a' your wrinkled dome all day."

"Do you talk to your commander like that, boy? If one of my men talked like that to a superior officer he'd get his god damn teeth knocked down his throat."

"Haha, I don't have a commander, I'm a specialist."

"What do you specialize in? Pissing people off?"

"No, just you, General."

"I shoulda figured as much. Anyway, let's get serious. You've got some explaining to do. What the hell are you doing all the way out here, and why would a god damn Finisher be after that little girl?"

I really didn't remember how I got where I was.. so I made something up...

"I was fighting a sorceror and he hit me with a spell. Next thing I knew I was on the beach and saw Coso chasing those people. I owed him one for sticking a knife between my ribs once so I decided to help them get away. He apparently learned a few new tricks since I last saw him so-"

General Souther cut me off.

"I don't need to hear your life story, son, I know you killed Coso and I don't care how you did it. I take it you have no idea what he was after them for, then."

"Tch, nobody ever wants to hear about how I kick ass... I know he was after them because somebody paid him, Coso is... or was, a mercenary to the core. I haven't a clue who hired him, though."

"That doesn't do me any good, talking to you has been a waste of time as usual."

General Souther turned to leave as he spoke, it looked like some mages and soldiers were waiting for him now over by the building I came from. I really was expecting a thank you for all the effort I went through...

"Yeah. You're welcome for saving that kid. I feel sooo appreciated."

He turned and looked at me with his mean face.

"Keeping the townsfolk from kicking you out into the desert is my way of thanking you. You're causing a lot of trouble by coming here."

Can you feel the love? These people really hate Empire soldiers! Jeez! I just nearly killed myself saving the life of a little girl from this place and they won't even give me the time of day! I mean... it started with me just wanting to get back at Coso, I know... but NOBODY could have blamed me if I didn't try to bring that girl back to life. THAT was a freebie, dammit! What's the matter with these people!? Ahem. Sorry about the rant. My dreams get pretty emotional.

!!! More ascii removed !!!

Now that I could walk again I decided to go buy a horse... and a map... so I could figure out where the hell I was and go home. I had money but I knew it wasn't the currency they used here, and I'm sure it would just piss people off if I tried to convince them to take Empire money, so it was bartering time. This town was actually pretty big, there had to be at least 15000 people living inside the wall, and probably another few thousand living by the water fishing and farming and crap. Some people stared and muttered to each other as I walked past and others turned around and went the other way. At this point I decided it wasn't that the people didn't appreciate me saving that girl, it's that they didn't believe I did it. They simply could not accept that an Empire soldier helped someone, at the very least not without ulterior motives. I saw what looked like a fairly large and well-rounded store and went inside. It was called "Lion Heart" and had an overly ornate sign depicting two lions facing each other and an angel in between them. When I went in the two customers that were inside went out. I went straight up to the man that looked like he was in charge, a husky man in his early thirties wearing a thick leather apron and sporting one hell of a mustache. He didn't look too happy that I came into his store...

"I'll trade you this Finisher's Spear for your best horse (I saw a stable around back of the place). It's worth more than everything in this store... good deal, don't you think?"

He continued to look pissed off, and wouldn't even look at me while he spoke... he just continued to act like he was busy with something.

"I wouldn't give you a lame horse, or a lame horse's shit for that."

This was a little surprising to me... most people know that magical things, especially those created by powerful sorcerors are typically very valuable...

"Do you know what a Finisher's Spear is? You could sell this for-"

People like to cut me off in this town. And he was mad now.

"I damn well know what it is. And we don't want your black arts or your demon weapons in this town, you hear me?!"

Hooboy... the fact that this city is called "Holy City Okan" would have been useful information to know BEFORE I came in here... but hey! Who ever said that I use black magic! I mean, I do... but he couldn't possibly know that!

"Hey, who says I use black magic?!"

"Nobody could hold that cursed spear bare-handed without being paralyzed by fear if they weren't a master of demon sorcery!"

Bugger is too damn smart... what the hell do I do now? How am I gonna get a horse if nobody will take my money and nobody wants my evil soaked loot... since when do Merchant's know so much about magic anyway? What kind of town IS this?! I mean, it's not like I'm gonna starve, since I'm wearing a Finisher's cloak... but it's HUNDREDS of miles back to the Empire!

"Also we have a no-shirt no-service policy."

Gehehehe... I'm not the one who lit my damn shirt on fire... it was his holy friends that decided my shirt was buddies with the devil and needed to be purged of evil...

"Okay, look-"

I was interrupted... again... but this time it was a good thing. It was the mother of that girl! The one adult in this town who couldn't POSSIBLY hate me! Right...? I mean, she was there when the Finisher offered to let me go if I let the girl die, and I attacked him anyway! She HAS to know I'm on the up and up!

"Dear! This man brought our little girl back to life! Show him your manners!"

The man looked a lot less big and mighty all the sudden... but still said, "Bastard probably used black magic to bring her back... now she's cursed to-"

"You LISTEN to ME! I will NOT hear ANY MORE unkind words about this courageous and honorable knight who risked his own life to save our precious daughter!"

At this, the man had been thuroughly quelled by his wife.

"I suppose (he said this very grudgingly)... I could offer you one of my horses to show my gratitude... for what you did for my family."

"You'll give him our FINEST horse, and you'll stop using that tone if you don't want to sleep in the stables!"

"Yes, dear..."

He shuffled off to find a saddle or something, I dunno. The mother looked at me with a very kind expression. She was really quite beautiful. A lot more beautiful than a 30-year old woman who has had at least 3 kids ought to be. We're talkin' perfect here... and what she was wearing could barely qualify as more than a negligee or some other kind of undergarment. I think she had been taking a snooze since the incident like I had.

"I could never thank you enough for what you did this morning... you'll always be welcome here in our home. If there's anything I can do for you before you leave let me know."

Why did she have to be married?! I REALLY wish I had known this was just a dream at this point. It might have been worth the complete lack of story afterwards... I woulda been all over her... Ahem, enough of my perversions. At this point the most... 'enthusiastic'... boy, who I'm fairly certain is her son poked his head in the front door. He and the two sisters had been listening outside.

"He said he wants you to kiss him and make him feel good!"

Ehehe... heh... heh... that's what I get, I suppose. Earlier, I was imagining her husband to be a scrawny little guy who wouldn't be a threat to anyone. I mean, she had him wrapped around her finger and all... but he already freakin' hated me. I'm just glad he wasn't within hearing range. And wait a minute! The way that damn kid said it makes it sound a LOT worse than how I said it! Also, I don't remember his name so I'm just making one up and going with my Streets or Rage theme. Before I could say anything stupid and incriminating, which I'm sure I would have, the mother turned on the scold-o-matic.

"Samuel! Behave yourself! This man has had to deal with enough trouble already!"

"Wha-at! That's what he said!"

Damn kid! Shut up!

"Go outside and play with your friends this instant!"

"Awww..."

He turned around and ran off, the sisters giggled a lot and ran off too. Precocious little scamps. I hope that kid falls down and scrapes his knees or something... I proceeded to say something that the mother chose to hear in a way that made sense to her.

"Kids these days. It's that darn music they listen to."

"Oh he's always been like that, he just loves to cause trouble."

"Well let's hope he doesn't try to be like me..."

The mother saw something that I didn't outide and looked at me with a very grave expression. Then she opened her word hole and spat sentences at me.

"I know it's harsh to say this, but it would be best if you left town as soon as possible. Personally I don't care if you really have had dinner with the devil like so many here think. But you have to watch out, the only reason the mages here didn't kill you in your sleep is because General Souther wouldn't let them. Even he can't keep them in check for long."

"I can tell, the good General told me the mages wouldn't come near me... but I know he was lying now, I'm sure he had to beat them back with a stick... why does everyone here hate Empire soldiers so much, anyway?!"

She hesitated for a moment.

"The children aren't old enough to remember... that's why they don't avoid you. Even I thought every Empire soldier was a heartless murderer until you came along. A squad of Empire soldiers came to this city 12 years ago... it was the last time we've let anyone from the Empire in our city until now. I don't know a lot of the details, and I don't know why they did it... but they killed hundreds of us... men, women and children... it didn't matter. They laughed as they cut down innocent people who pleaded for their lives... nobody ever talks about it. We all just try to forget."

Jesus christ. Damn. Well, at least I know now. I had no idea I was working with people like that...

"Whoa... okay. You don't have to tell me anymore... except, if you know who they were or at least what banner they were flying I can have them hung by their entrails as soon as I get home."

I meant it too, even if I was a field agent I was a high-ranking officer in the military. It's the sort of thing I had enough pull to do. She looked a little taken aback by my words... if only for a moment.

"I... can't recall. It was too long ago and I was hiding in the cellar. I didn't get a good look at them. Although the thought of there being some justice is a pleasing one."

I like her style. People who are all lame and like "Killing them wouldn't bring back the people that died it would only cause more suffering blah blah blah" totally suck. Yeah it would cause suffering! That's the whole point! Suffering for those sons-of-a-bitches that killed your friends and family! Revenge is a wonderful thing to have! Ahem, anyway. At this point Mr. Unappreciative came back to give me some more attitude and annoy me. He was simply incapable of at least faking a few pleasant words.

"Your horse is out front. Try not to trample anyone on your way out of town."

I hate this guy. I guess he built up some more anti-wife courage while he was away... I'm sure he regretted it later.

"I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU! GET OUT OF HERE YOU WORTHLESS-!" she screamed. She didn't cut off... I just plugged my ears and ran outside.

At least the horse really was ready and didn't have anything wrong with it. General Souther was waiting for me by my brand new steed. His arms were crossed and he looked a little worried.

"You'd better saddle up and get on outta here, boy. I didn't wanna have to tell ya but the mages are trying to form a mob to get rid of you."

"It's always something..."

"They seem to think you've come here to scout the defenses so that the empire can send in troops and take over."

"I'm not a damn piss-ant scout. That's about as low-rank as they get."

General Souther suddenly looked a lot more serious than he ever had before.

"If they knew who you really were, they'd already have killed you."

I hopped onto the horse and got serious too.

"You sound so sure that they could catch me. I'd ask you to tell me how you ended up in this town... but I really don't want to have to hurt anyone, I think I can hear them tying a noose..."

That last part was a joke, and I said it with a smirk. As I started to ride off General Souther said one last thing. He knew what my job was as well as I did. I effectively had the same profession as lovable old Coso... I'm writing things in such a way as to have more dramatic effect for the reader. Shut up.

"I hope you never have official business here, assassin."

Without incident, I left town and headed East.

I have no recollection of the events between my leaving Holy City Okan and arriving at the Capitol city of the Empire. Also approximately 10 years passed between my returning home and the next set of events. I was awaiting the arrival of some people I was intended to work with in a dark and rainy alley between two buildings. Across the city at least a quarter of a mile away I could see a tall black tower through the gloom. So tall in fact that you could not discern the top of it. Lights pouring out it's windows kept rising into the sky until you could no longer see where one ended and the next started. That was part of some sort of headquarters for the Empire.

I still had the Finisher's spear and cloak after all that time, and I specifically noticed that I hadn't aged a single day because of the cloak. Normally people who had Finisher cloaks and Finishers themselves would be in a great deal of danger because obviously a lot of people would be willing to kill someone or battle a Finisher to get one of their cloaks... but there were severely high, nigh unreachable requirements for being able to even wear one without being cursed by it. Like the merchant said, one must be a master of demon sorcery to use such a thing effectively... and I was one of very few capable. In fact, it seemed as if the magic I used was forbidden even in the Empire except under certain circumstances like allowing specialists like myself to use it.

I was getting very bored and very irritated waiting for these guys... they were supposed to be here before me. When they showed up I saw that it was a team of Empire soldiers ten strong. They all looked like they were well-trained as warriors. Their leader told me that our orders were to head out to Holy City Okan. The Empire wished to install their own governor in the city, for it was an important city in the path of expanding to the West. Apparently they tried this a few months ago and the governor was violently kicked out of town... he didn't survive long after returning to the Capitol. They intended for me of all people to be the next attempt at installing a Governor... and it had been decided that this team of elite soldiers would be protection enough from the dissenting citizens. Normally I'd object to the whole thing but no matter what I did a governor would eventually take over that city, even if he had to massacre half the population just to do it. It might as well be me, I can trust myself to be fair to them at least, even if they were total dicks to me in the past.

I actually remember the journey back to Okan. After we left the enormous city that was the Empire's Capitol there was a distinct difference in reaction to seeing Empire soldiers. People in the Capitol would barely even notice us, or occasionally throw a friendly greeting our way. But on our way through a small burg people shut their windows and locked their doors, as if a glance from us could mean death.

Only one part of our travels stood out in particular, and that was when we were only a few miles away from the city and stopped to rest for the night. It was a dry and sandy climate, but couldn't qualify as a desert. You could always see another patch of trees down the road, and shrubbery was hardly uncommon. We sat in a circle around a fire... or more of a semi-circle with a floating point across from it. The soldiers all stayed out of arm's reach from me as if I might suddenly lash out at them. Nobody trusts an assassin, I guess.

While the soldiers muttered to each other and further ostracized me I saw several things lurking in the dark. One of them made some kind of crunching sound and all the soldiers shot to their feet and grabbed the hilts of their swords.

"What was that?! Does anyone see anything?" Their captain asked.

"Yeah. We're surrounded." I casually responded.

One of the soldiers had a worried look on his face, and loudly whispered, "Bandits...?!"

"Like anybody would be stupid enough to attack us... it's animals." I calmly replied.

I could tell it was a pack of some large anthropod beast, they we're standing hunched over in the dark about 30 feet away in every direction. There had to be at least two dozen of them. I hadn't stood up. I was just sitting on a log and gnawing on the bone of some animal. The soldiers had begun to stare at me with looks of disbelief.

The captain sounded none to pleased with me, and queried, "You don't seem worried! You just gonna sit there?"

"Your job is to protect me, isn't it?"

"That's our orders..."

"Well go earn your pay!"

Now all of the soldiers looked displeased and grumbled indecent words, but they formed a circle around me and advanced towards the beasts. I moved on to picking my teeth and I really paid no attention to the fight. I heard some yelling, and some roaring... and some high-pitched whining noises like a dog yelping as the soldiers undoubtably stuck swords in the monsters. I was kinda actually hoping the soldiers would lose, or at least get the crap beat out of 'em. An excuse not to go back to Okan would have been just dandy.

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This is the end of what I had time to write before I got distracted and forgot most of everything. Everything after this is just notes that are in the order I remembered them after I got back to writing it down. Dreams fade fast, I'm sure there was more, but that's all I got down. If you actually read everything up to this point you can write a 100 word essay on why sleeping too much fun. This may earn you an undetermined amount of points. Only the first few essays will get points. Yes, I know it's awesome to hide something like this in the middle of something most of you probably won't read. If Edan or that other guy writes something good again they'll get a double score for a combo.

-We arrived at town I had a terse argument with Souther. About what, I can't remember.-

-As Evening set in and we claimed an unused building we were attacked from all sides. Men on roofs of buildings with bows and arrows attacked first to little effect, the soldiers have very thick armor and I was behind them.-

-We backed off and ended up getting caught between two buildings with no way out. Except up... but only I could manage that. Even if the other soldiers were acrobatic enough they'd never have done it in that armor.-

-On both sides there were about 20 men with spears and round shields. The shields were silver and were designed with three crescents. Their spears were unremarkable other than that they all hadThey were mostly unarmored but held a massive advantage against our weapons given the confined space. Behind each group of men was an older man in white robes that looked just like the people who I saw earlier as I was passing out.-

-My soldiers weren't panicking but they knew they were totally screwed. I saw the old men in robes raise their hands at the same time, and all the enemy soldiers held their shields up to their faces. I yelled "cover your eyes" but it was too late. There was a bright flash, which I avoided most of, and the enemy soldiers charged forward. In the time it took me to jump and pull myself onto the roof of the shorter building my soldiers had already been killed or fatally injured.-

-Pact with demon.-

-Girl forced out of town.-

-Mother leaves with other daughter.-

-I bring the girl with me back to the Empire, and Empire sorcerors notice she has demonic power. I start trying to cover it up by saying that I just found her and she was already like that, but they don't listen and cut me off because they detect that she has the same blood as me. Empire mad that I did an unauthorized demon magic transfer, but I cover it up by saying she's my daughter, which is the only legal way to give someone demonic power since it can't be avoided. Then things get extremely awkward when we fall in love. Some nosey officials or nobles ask too many questions about us so I use my political pull to have them shipped overseas somewhere.-

-Well, I love me so much... and after I ressurected you you're more like me than any other girl... it's only natural, right?-

-I love you too, even if you are a coceited bastard.-

-You've got something on your vanity, Narcissus.-

Valentines day sucks. I took the day off specifcally for that reason.

OH: I'm also posting this on my brand spanking new Kanotix installation, BITCHES.

But it was a bitch to install the wireless card.

No actually i just got a brand new computer i only used 30 gigs of 180.

What?

Oh, I'm also posting from my brand spankin' new wireless connection. Now I can go on the net AND actually be able to use a not-useless computer at the SAME TIME!!!!

http://www.atomfilms.com/film/stripped.jsp?brand=bullz

This is being posted from my brand new shiny computer that I FINALLY managed to make functional.

Actually I am a bag of chips.

And no brand, I just got the parts. I'll be assembling it when they arrive in a couple days.

OMG



What brand might I ask? Ooop, I did.

like Mr. Ribbon brand Giant Thresher Robots or Mr. Ribbon brand Standard-size Thresher Robots! those make a pretty penny on the Nomad market!

I'm back, baby!

some asshole deleted my account... aaronjer... but I'm ready to rejoin the Pole-Socking league through a handy loophole I discovered! Seeing as registration and blacklisting for Pole-Socking is handled by a division of superjer.com my blacklist status has been lifted!!

so anyway, im workin' on my brand new shit. I've already managed to reprogram 70% of Cammi's work and battle drones! She's gonna look like a real class act when I drop this humdinger of a death ray on 'er! as long as JMD stays out of my way... fuck that monkey. FUCK HIM TO HELL.

wow....uh....hmmm...I can't see any huge pieces....

I'm gonna start A brand new map, see how I come out.



How much longer are you going to be on?

Is that teal line the edge of the map?

Well when i try to play my brand new map it says i dont have valve.wad and i dont!
but i dont remember usingit if i dont have it? and cant seem to find it anywhere..

It's also a brand of condom that infuriated the Greeks so much that they started a war.

Oh my god... his eyes!

What happened to Mr. Ribbon's eyes?

Those were brand new eyes!

He had been saving for years!

I got to keep my eyes open
So I can see my Lord
I'm gonna watch the horizon
For a brand new Ford
I can hear him rolling on down the lane
I said "Hollywood be thy name"
Jesus gonna be here
He gonna be here soon

Trouble is they cost about anywhere from $300-$700, depending on size and brand. I dont know where the hell I am going to get that kind of money...

Well, Ive decided to give up on the game, after having a quite a few other people look at it and say"iT sUxK0rs" or it sucks. Im making a brand new one, one that has far smoother gameplay and is just simplier

So its over. Done. The tamali has hit the ground.

opel is the major GM european brand.

what the fuck is handa? you moron.

and holden is a gm brand that is sold in australia. they make excellent muscle cars under the branding HSV (holden special vehicles).
You know the 2004 (maybe 2003 and 2005 too) Pontiac GTO? well that is a holden monaro.

nope they have crap, like the mustang and such. so if you have muscle cars over there what brand are they I want to know.